I had a superior sagittal sinus thrombosis on April 2022, in easier words, I had a stroke in my head. I have been trying to reflect on how things have changed since I had the stroke, and it truly has been difficult to sit down and write about it. There is a part of me that wants to ignore it ever happened and move on, but I know that it is not possible. The stroke might somehow affect me my whole life. There might not be a brighter side to it but on the neutral side, I have the power to control how it affects me and people around. I am still learning the ways I can make it easier on myself when the symptoms are ongoing and uncomfortable. How do I slow down without making it seem like I am taking nasty amounts of break? How can I be productive efficiently without it affecting my health? How do I find my limits and be okay with them? How do I tell my supervisors and colleagues about my limits without overburdening them? The answer is: I do not know.
Sometimes, my days go as smooth as butter where I have no symptoms and I feel like I am at the top of the world. And there are times when I sit down in my study table, ready to work on my project and I notice the numbness in the right side of my face and leg. Mostly, I ignore it and go back to working or I look out the window until the numbness sets down and breathe as I was instructed to if the anxiety pops in. If the anxiety progresses, I feel a little droop in my lips. This is when I know that I should stop being anxious and take a walk or eat something or drink some water. Numbness is distracting when there is copious amount of work to do. I am trying not to worry and mostly, trying not to ask myself if I am doing enough. Because the answer always comes back in the negatives: “You are not doing enough”. I have noticed that I am not unique in this feeling. My cohort of PhD students, no matter where they come from and how brilliant they are, have the same consensus as I have. They also feel that they are not doing enough. I have been trying not to ask this question but still I end up doing it anyway. My brain is programmed to ask questions like this, and the lazy brain follows the easiest trajectories.
I have learned that on difficult days, I try to finish the easy tasks. For example, I water my plants or declutter my table. Then, I move on to writing a to-do list and maybe do a few routine lab-work like sterilizing the water if I am working in the lab. On days when I am working from home, I try to walk away from my office and do something that requires zero amount of brain work. On more difficult days, I sleep. I am learning to cope with this, and I believe with time it is going to pass like everything passes with time. Or so I hope.
Letters and Poems 